quiet on my set, please
2005-07-19, 8:54 p.m.

Purple suggested it would be "amusing to watch" me try to narrow down my annoyances to only five. I'm glad I can amuse you, P.!

(1) People who turn on the TV (or radio or whatever) really loudly and then proceed to try to talk to me - I cannot hear you and if you scream over the noise I'm still distracted and it makes it all too loud. I go to see rock shows sometimes, that's enough screaming over noise I'll ever need, thanks.

(2) Also, while we're at it with the TV complaints, please do not turn the TV on and then walk out of the room. Turn the TV on and sit your tuches down and watch it, or turn it off. Thank you.

(3) Cell phones. They don't work. Cell companies have all but admitted that they don't care that they don't work b/c people will buy them and sign contracts for them anyway. And everyone does. When you call me from them, I can't hear you. And I can't call you back b/c you're "out of range" or b/c "hey the phone didn't even ring!" Or you do answer the phone and you're now pissed at me because you are in the middle of waiting on a table or checking out at a store and you can't talk but you answered it anyway. Also, I know there's a law in some places, not 'round here though there oughtta be one, against driving with one. I know, that's the point of having a "mobile" but it. is. dangerous. With or without a headset. Speaking of headsets, when you walk around talking on one in public, you look like an idiot. A freak. A loon. Also, shut up please.

(4) A theme seems to be emerging. A noise theme. Hello, noise theme. Okay, I'll go with it. Neighbors who live above me and VACUUM at 11:30 at night. Shh. Or have sex at 8:00 a.m. Shhh! (Ironically, I also don't like it when people "shush" people in public. This means I rarely if ever go to The Bluebird.)

(5) Being startled as a practical joke. This often also involves a loud noise as well. It makes me jump, I feel that electric zap feeling go through my whole body, I over-react, and I don't think it's funny, if done to me OR ANYONE ELSE. Except that one time when my friend DG scared my friend Bob while he was in the kitchen fixin' a salad and Bob screamed like girl and the vegetables went flying though the air all over the kitchen. That was kinda funny.

Next week, five smells that annoy me. JUST KIDDING. I kid with you.