unlocking february's sex camp
2004-08-26, 7:35 p.m.
Back on or around February 11 this year, Purple Cigar and I started a game of Jessica-entry-inspired Sex Camp. The premise is: you have seven consecutive days and schedule your ideal celebrity dates each night, with one back-up each night in case your date is unable to make it (due to his being arrested or kidnapped or whatnot). Celebrities must be living and you'll date them as they are now. (The rules also used to say one person per date but please see the bottom of the page for the note Purple made in her bullpen.) Purple and I finally remembered the dang password to the locked Word file and took a gander at what we were thinking back then. Wow, what a difference a half-year makes. I mean, just look at my choices for Wednesday! They were so February 2004! Also, while reviewing my bullpen, I was all like "What? Who is Tyson Ritter? I know an accountant named Tyson but he's not a celebrity so who... ohhh, the singer from American Rejects." We made a couple of variations in the game - for example, we specified what type of date specifically each day of the week would hold.
I went bounding into Purple's office one day after we decided to play with what I thought would be an interesting stipulation: "What if we had at least one of our 14 choices be someone who is not a white male?" says I. Well, wouldn't ya know it, she one-upped me and had two people who were not white males already on her list and one in the bullpen. Somehow after that, Angelina Jolie fell off her list and Ellen DeGeneres went on.
Anyhow, in lieu of a proper diary entry which I can't seem to make time to do, I give you: last February's Sex Camp exchange between me and Purple. Mostly so I can steal her funny-ness.
Purple's comments are in this color and I'll call her PC, mine are in this color and I'll call myself, umm, "me."
Monday--Arthouse Cinema & Café (I ain’t no Mia Farrow) Don’t be mean to Mia!. poor, craaazy Mia...
PC---1st stringer---Ed Norton (‘cause he’s intellectual and stuff)
---On deck---Johnny Depp (perhaps I should not have chosen dark locations to take Johnny. Then again, perhaps I SHOULD have!) yes yes dark!
ME – On 1st – James Spader (smart, knows a lot about film, would be intellectually very, um, stimulating.)
- On deck – Tim Robbins - ditto, same comments as Spader above
Tuesday--Hockey/Football/Basketball Game (i.e., homoerotic night)
PC---1st stringer---Josh Lucas (May have to fight off players for him, but willing to give it a go)
---On deck---uh, Ellen DeGeneres (?!) (How fun would she BE?!)
ME – On 1st – Ed Norton (I presume you said you were surprised b/c it seems like this doesn’t offer me enough opportunity to talk with him. This is a good point and he may be moved). (I think he’d be really passionate, yelling at the players, etc.)
- On deck – Chris Rock (In order to crack my shit up)
Wednesday--Date’s Choice (and it BETTER be good)
PC---1st stringer---Hugh Grant (Wonder where he’d take me? Strip club? His hizzouse? McDonalds? to meet his barber?) Am I supposed to understand that barber comment? Maybe he’ll pay you, since he, y’know, LIKES TO PAY.
---On deck---Jude Law (THAT is one Cold Mountain I’d like to climb. Stupid ole Nicole Kidman getting him first)
ME – On 1st – Ashton Kutcher (no punking of ME allowed) (He’d pick something crazy to do, I reckon! If not - he’s A-List so we’d be able to get in anywhere).
- On deck – Julian Casablancas (this may change too. He’s A-List so we could go anywhere, but I don’t know if I'd like where he chose?)
Thursday--Boat Ride/Carriage Ride/(something equally romantic)/Cozy Restaurant
PC---1st stringer---Vince Vaughn (YEAH BABY!)
---On deck---Colin Firth ohh, this is a good one.--(Don’t you just know he would be THE MOST?!)
ME – On 1st – Peter Gallager--(Those eyebrows!)
- On deck – Johnny Depp--(well lit areas I see, Miss Tothefloor. Smart. Very, very smart) All the better to see his prettiness...
Friday--Rock-n-roll night: Rock Concert/Performance at club (perhaps someone shagtastic!)
PC---1st stringer---Jon Bon Jovi (I think he might make the talent nervous though or maybe not)
---On deck---Matthew McConaughey (Good evening Mr. McConaughey. Here are your drums. Please remove your clothing.)
ME – On 1st – (EDIT: I had to take this name off, I don't want his fans finding this on Google. Or worse yet - HIM finding himself in my diary in a game called Sex Camp - can you imagine?)
- On deck – Josh Hartnett (Hot, AND seems like he’d be fun. Rock. n. Roll.)
Saturday--Country Drive/Incredibly expensive dinner/Till the cows come home
PC--1st stringer---Brad Pitt (What needs to be said? Nothing. That’s right. Nothing)
---On deck---Josh Hartnett (You know, if Brad can’t make it, I would be quite happy with Mr. Hot-nett)
ME – On 1st – Ian Somerhalder (as I’m suuure you guessed)
- On deck – Ewan McGregor (this was hard to pick and may change)
Sunday--Brunch/Lollygagging/hot tubs, massages & spa treatments baby!
PC--1st stringer---Ben Affleck (is this just ‘cause you think of him luxuriating in the Jenny From The Block video?)--(No. It’s because I think he would make me laugh, ‘cause he’s all girly)
---On deck---Denzel Washington---Brunch with Denzel? Yes. Lollygagging? Check. A massage with Denzel? Priceless.
ME – On 1st – Gillian Anderson--(what? Over David? How quickly we forget)
- On deck – Hugh Grant (both Gillian and Hugh seem like they’d reeally be into this kinda day. Know what kind of massage, facial, aromatherapy to get. Only the best fresh squeezed OJ at brunch. Y’know?)
PC’s bullpen: Cole Hauser, Quin Snyder, George Clooney, Kevin Spacey, Yancey FLIPPIN’ Arias, Jack Black, Chris Tucker, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson (can they be a package deal?) Y’know what? Yes. Yes, they can. NEW RULE! One choice can be a two-some. They have to somehow go together, Ewan McGregor, Conan O’Brien, Jon Stewart, Robert Patrick. That’s my bullpen, now I just need for the criminal charges to start piling up so I can start subbing!
My bullpen: Tyson Ritter, Jon Stewart, Sean Penn, David Duchovny, Denzel Washington, Colin Firth, Noah Wylie, Brad Pitt, Tom Welling, Jack White may be re-introduced if he stops skeeving me out (EDITED TO ADD: as of August, he has not in fact, stopped skeeving me out), Keifer Sutherland
Purple, we totally need to update this.
Coming soon: Purple and I will present our Top Five People With Whom We'd Like To Have Dinner. We made this list in February too, but didn't have a locked document where we made notes or anything - like we did with Sex Camp...